Will you validate me, or will you not?
Oh, the expectation, day in and day out!
Our confidence shoots up when others compliment our choices in life. Most of us can relate to this - by our innate desire for more likes on our posts in Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. More the likes, better the validation. On the other hand, if we cannot get through an exam or interview, our confidence gets massively affected. We suffer from inferior complexes and feelings of being inadequate. We place such a huge importance to others validating our actions.
But, do we really need external validation? Would depending on validation mean that we are full of self doubts, or, is this a basic human trait that we should embrace?
Hang on, there might be some good things that come from external validation..
Think of the last time you approached someone for honest advice - and that turned out to be quite helpful. Now imagine if you had not taken any advice - is there a chance that the consequence would have been less desirable? Being open to suggestions in decision making - helps to make informed choices.
When you shut yourself out completely - you might be thinking deep down you know you’re right. We have all been there. However, placing excessive importance on your own opinions will blind you from broadening your perspectives and learning alternative ways of thinking. We may (sometimes) be right, but in the long run, it’s a path leading to arrogance.
We do not want to place such huge importance on ourselves, right?
As always, the key is to find the balance.
Let’s now discuss the cons flowing from external validation.
External validation is addictive - we all know this from our experiences in social media. We constantly feel the need to be validated for our appearance, our choice of clothing, food and lifestyle. The moment we don’t receive this validation is the moment our confidence starts crumbling down. We are full of self doubts.
In real world, some of us are constantly turned down when seeking opportunities. I know someone whose application for job was refused multiple times. The first time she consoled herself saying it’s the employer’s loss. But as it kept repeating, it took a toll on her confidence. Like her, we eventually allow the rejections to shake our confidence because we see rejection as refusal to be validated.
How then should we deal with validation? Let me share a story.
Thomas Edison is one of the greatest inventors in the human history. However he had a troubled childhood. Edison’s teacher had told that he was a confused kid and therefore it was “not worthwhile keeping him in school any longer”. Edison told in an interview:
I was so hurt by this last straw that I burst out crying and went home and told my mother about it.
Edison felt invalidated and sought his mother’s help. We all want to challenge those who call us underdogs, right?
He then tells us what happened.
I found out what a good thing a good mother is. She came out as my strong defender… She brought me back to the school and angrily told the teacher that he didn’t know what he was talking about, that I had more brains than he himself, and a lot more talk like that. In fact, she was the most enthusiastic champion a boy ever had, and I determined right then that I would be worthy of her and show her that her confidence was not misplaced.
The rest is history.
Now of course, most of us know this story. But did you see how the mother’s validation overran the teacher’s invalidation? How such validation became the turning point in Edison’s life?
I think that’s where the balance lies. To sit with those who are alone and validate their pain. To believe in those of us who are bruised. To give them the much needed nudge to start over. But always keep in check our need for validation for the smallest of things - because, most often than not, we are our own saviours.
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